Doubling up, doubling down

2016/11/02 § Leave a comment

This evening I am feeling morose.

I have a few theories as to why this may be.

The first theory is that I have been shirking my academic responsibilities and I am now feeling the due weight of my actions. This first theory is not something I’d like to admit as a possibility, but nonetheless, there it is.

The second theory as to my sullen state is that I have been intentional in dwelling upon some dark subjects lately. With the coming of Halloween – as well as a proclivity toward being melancholy – I have turned my thoughts toward a number of interesting albeit dark items. First, I watched The Phantom Carriage, a silent Swedish horror film (at least by early 20th century standards). Among its other strengths, it put me in the mood to thoughtfully consider the parts of my life that I sometimes forget to consider. I realize this is vague, but I am not writing an in-depth post here, rather one that skims across the surface of my current predicament. Second, I have renewed my interest in reading horror tales. Of course, this is no coincidence. That I should think about reading Poe, Lovecraft, M. R. James, and E. F. Benson is no surprise at all. It is a timely. Have you heard of these last two authors? I hadn’t before this season. At any rate, my attention is currently turned to these authors, and I am enjoying dipping in and out of their stories. As a third occasion for turning to dark subject matter, I have resumed my playing the game The Last Door – which is an absolutely immersive experience, even when considering the music and sound exclusively. Ask me about it sometime.

The final theory is more abstract, having much to do with the general state of things. I am currently in graduate school for library science – studying to be a librarian – and I must admit that the journey up until now has not been all roses. Indeed, I have found it increasingly difficult to figure out what I’d like to accomplish and commit to doing for work in the foreseeable future.

The task actually seems quite simple when standing at a distance. I have great luck with helping others know what they should do with their lives, and I am certain it is similar for those looking at my life from afar. The thing is, and here it is: I do not know what I am going to do as library science major. The first major step lies just ahead of me and that is determining a location for my practicum. To comfort myself, I’d like to say that accomplishing this first step will alleviate much of the pressure I am currently feeling, but this remains to be seen. Honestly, I would settle for someone telling me what I need to do to get there. At the moment, and for these reasons, I am wracked with an ongoing anxiety.

And in bringing closure to my initial statement, I am in poor spirits this evening and have been as of late. And those are the theories as to why I am in poor spirits.

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